“Age wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul.” - Douglas MacArthur
I know you probably have never felt this way, but this week I wanted to quit. Not really quit, my emotions just got the best of me and I wanted to just tell everyone they could keep their stupid jobs, ridiculous assignments, the miserable heat, etc. and I would head back to Florida(I know, it's hot there too) to see my wife and kids who I miss incredibly . It was on the tip of my tongue as someone with no real power or influence other than that in her own head explained something to me that needed no explanation and which she was butchering all the same. As I opened my mouth to say it, the most inconvenient thing happened, I remembered this quote from MacArthur. I thought of the times in my life when I have quit, not because things were too difficult, but because there was an easier option. The easier option was not nearly as rewarding mind you, but it saved me pain and difficulty and at the moment that was all that my mind would focus on. I remembered the after effects of those decisions and the regret that I still feel when I think of what could have been if I had just put in a little more effort and stayed in the fight a little longer. I thought of the people that I let down in the process, including myself, and suddenly it became pretty clear. So go ahead Mrs. Self-Important, tell me eight times how to do the same thing and I will listen intently and act as if it is the first time you said it and that I am gleaning incredible wisdom about how to break down a box and other magnificently important matters because this is part of the journey that God has for me and like my example Jesus, I will bear not only what I enjoy, but more importantly, what is necessary. I am not quite where I want to be, but I am not where I was either, I will finish this race and hopefully finish well.
God Bless You as you run yours as well!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Windshield or the Rearview
I was thinking about why we spend so much time looking backward, full of regret and wishing that we could change things we did. For me, I guess I think that those things have cost me opportunities and that my life could be so much more than I feel it is. I could take away the guilt and shame that I feel for mistakes and failures, ah the guilt and shame, that is the essence of the problem. We find ourselves locked in a cage of our own design. I don't know how to move on and so I assume that this is where I must stay. I can't forgive myself and so I spend so much of the time that I have been given looking back and wondering what could have been rather than looking ahead and determining what will be. It's a recipe for disaster.
Case in point, I was nineteen years old sitting at the corner of John Pitts Rd. and Star Ave. about the fifth car in line at the stop sign. I'm not sure why but I happened to look in my rearview mirror as I sat there and I saw a Firebird maybe 100 foot back not even starting to slow down. It was close enough that I could see the guy driving looking in his rearview mirror for some reason and realized that he did not see me or the line of cars in front if him through his windshield. I watched as he finally looked in front of him and saw his eyes go wide and his panic as he locked up the brakes. Too late, he slid into my bumper and ended up buying a new bumper for me and doing a good bit of damage to his car as well. I listened as he explained to the FHP trooper how he thought he had just passed a friend going the other way and was looking back to see if he was right. The trooper explained that there is a reason that windshields are much larger than rearview mirrors. A windshield should be the place of emphasis for anyone driving a car forward. Unless you are in reverse, a rearview mirror should only used as a reference point for changing lanes and directions. That's good advice for driving and for life.
Maybe you're like me and the pangs of regret show up often and you would like to just sit and wonder what could be as you look in the rearview. The danger is that you miss what is coming up right in front of you and lose your ability to navigate as it approaches. We have all made mistakes, big and small, but those should just be reference points that help us keep our bearings as we move forward, not focal points that keep us looking backward. The key to moving on I have found is understanding grace, radical grace. The source of that grace? God himself. It is grace that defines me not by my mistakes, but by His love. It is grace that incorporates my failures into His plan rather than excluding me from that plan because of those mistakes. If you find yourself focused on the rearview today or an day, just remember that God's grace frames those images from the past and provides a clean windshield as you move forward.
Case in point, I was nineteen years old sitting at the corner of John Pitts Rd. and Star Ave. about the fifth car in line at the stop sign. I'm not sure why but I happened to look in my rearview mirror as I sat there and I saw a Firebird maybe 100 foot back not even starting to slow down. It was close enough that I could see the guy driving looking in his rearview mirror for some reason and realized that he did not see me or the line of cars in front if him through his windshield. I watched as he finally looked in front of him and saw his eyes go wide and his panic as he locked up the brakes. Too late, he slid into my bumper and ended up buying a new bumper for me and doing a good bit of damage to his car as well. I listened as he explained to the FHP trooper how he thought he had just passed a friend going the other way and was looking back to see if he was right. The trooper explained that there is a reason that windshields are much larger than rearview mirrors. A windshield should be the place of emphasis for anyone driving a car forward. Unless you are in reverse, a rearview mirror should only used as a reference point for changing lanes and directions. That's good advice for driving and for life.
Maybe you're like me and the pangs of regret show up often and you would like to just sit and wonder what could be as you look in the rearview. The danger is that you miss what is coming up right in front of you and lose your ability to navigate as it approaches. We have all made mistakes, big and small, but those should just be reference points that help us keep our bearings as we move forward, not focal points that keep us looking backward. The key to moving on I have found is understanding grace, radical grace. The source of that grace? God himself. It is grace that defines me not by my mistakes, but by His love. It is grace that incorporates my failures into His plan rather than excluding me from that plan because of those mistakes. If you find yourself focused on the rearview today or an day, just remember that God's grace frames those images from the past and provides a clean windshield as you move forward.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Let's Take A Walk
It's been a few days since my last post, mostly because I got to go home and spend some time with my family over the holiday weekend. It is so good to see them, but so hard to leave when that time comes. While I was home, I noticed a bit of a habit that our cat, Allie, has developed. We have had her since she was born and in our last house, we never let her go outside because it was right off a pretty busy street. So she has been a strictly inside cat all of her life. Now she is living in a house that sits on 25 acres basically in the middle of nowhere and there is no reason that she couldn't go exploring and expand her world beyond the back door. I watched her over the weekend as she would go to the door and lookout and act like she wanted to go out but when the door opened she would move away from it, back to the comfort of what she has always known. The one time she actually went out she only went a few steps and froze, looking absolutely in fear of what might lie over that two inch drop to the patio.
It made me think of my own life right now and how many people I have talked to over the last few months and years who are just stuck in places that they don't particularly enjoy or want to be in, but the money's good or there are too many unknowns if they were to change. It reminded me of how we talk about faith and the importance of it, but then hold on with steel fists to lives we have "surrendered" to God. I for one have talked about faith endlessly throughout my time in ministry but it took these last 3 years to really appreciate the beginning of what faith is, it is that back door. It is so easy to live that domesticated life, there's always food, a soft couch, and sometimes someone to scratch you in just the right spot, but it robs us of the potential that lies just outside. Inside, life is predictable and safe for the most part, but we don't need God most of the time inside, just at dinner time and to change the litter box.
Outside is where all the possibilities lie, it is there that real faith is formed and tested. So, I find myself at 36, away from my family, working jobs that pay 1/4 of what I made two years ago, sometimes thinking what am I doing? Then I remember, being safe and warm inside looking out that back door at the vastness and unpredictability of what lay just on the other side. For me, God lay on the other side of that door. So here I am outside, it is not always easy, there are days that I long to just go back to what I know, but that would be me depending on me and that is not faith at all. I am thankful that God has brought me to this point and I follow Him as he leads me through these woods and as I learn the way, maybe I can help others find the way as well. See you on the outside!
P.S. "If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:24-31
It made me think of my own life right now and how many people I have talked to over the last few months and years who are just stuck in places that they don't particularly enjoy or want to be in, but the money's good or there are too many unknowns if they were to change. It reminded me of how we talk about faith and the importance of it, but then hold on with steel fists to lives we have "surrendered" to God. I for one have talked about faith endlessly throughout my time in ministry but it took these last 3 years to really appreciate the beginning of what faith is, it is that back door. It is so easy to live that domesticated life, there's always food, a soft couch, and sometimes someone to scratch you in just the right spot, but it robs us of the potential that lies just outside. Inside, life is predictable and safe for the most part, but we don't need God most of the time inside, just at dinner time and to change the litter box.
Outside is where all the possibilities lie, it is there that real faith is formed and tested. So, I find myself at 36, away from my family, working jobs that pay 1/4 of what I made two years ago, sometimes thinking what am I doing? Then I remember, being safe and warm inside looking out that back door at the vastness and unpredictability of what lay just on the other side. For me, God lay on the other side of that door. So here I am outside, it is not always easy, there are days that I long to just go back to what I know, but that would be me depending on me and that is not faith at all. I am thankful that God has brought me to this point and I follow Him as he leads me through these woods and as I learn the way, maybe I can help others find the way as well. See you on the outside!
P.S. "If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:24-31
Monday, June 27, 2011
I Hear Dead People!
No, this will not be a rant about M. Night Shyamalan and the life lesson that we could learn from him. Since I started with that at least let me mentions that lesson: you don't run your hardest the first mile of the marathon, you pace yourself so you can finish strong. Otherwise, you are struggling to breathe by mile 7 (The Village) and then you collapse at mile 13 (The Last Airbender).
But I digress, if you are anything like me, which you might not be, but if you are human, which you probably are, then you probably find yourself spending more time than you realize focusing on two things that you have no direct control over: the past and the future. We focus on the past because we harbor regrets of things we have done and things that wish we had done. The problem with that is that we are utterly incapable of changing any of those things, so the time and energy we direct to those thoughts and regrets doesn't improve or change those memories, it often just increases the regret that we feel over past circumstances. When we are not thinking about the past we often find ourselves anxious and worried about the future, which is understandable. We should plan for the future as much as we are able and give real thought to the destinations and outcomes that we hope to arrive at. The problem is that so many of us become overwhelmed by the prospects of what could happen that the anxiety and worry over those thoughts again rob of us of energy and time that could better be directed towards the one thing we have control over: the present.
The one thing we can control is the next decision we make. We can't control what circumstances will come our way from day to day, but we can equip ourselves to be in a position to make the next decision a wise one by directing our energy and time to that decision. How do we do that?
1. Pray (Short and easy, He has made some good decisions, He might be able to help you)
1. Learn from the past (It is the one thing we can gain from experience: wisdom)
2. Take your time (The worst decisions are often made based on emotion)
3. Ask for help (Have good counsel from people who have gained wisdom and use it)
4. Weigh your options (Pro and con list written down helps to give you perspective)
5. Pray (Reassure your mind and heart at the end of the process)
These are just a few things that help us to slow down and systematically think through what it is that we are doing. It is important to have some consistency in our approach to making decisions and these steps give us that as well.
As someone who has not always made the best decisions and harbors many regrets, let me just encourage you not to get bogged down in the past or to be overly anxious about the future, but to live this moment, making each right next decision. If you do that, it will often lead you to amends for any regrets and mistakes of the past and it will set a firm foundation for the future that you want. Enjoy this Monday and I wish you all the best!
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:34 (The Message)
But I digress, if you are anything like me, which you might not be, but if you are human, which you probably are, then you probably find yourself spending more time than you realize focusing on two things that you have no direct control over: the past and the future. We focus on the past because we harbor regrets of things we have done and things that wish we had done. The problem with that is that we are utterly incapable of changing any of those things, so the time and energy we direct to those thoughts and regrets doesn't improve or change those memories, it often just increases the regret that we feel over past circumstances. When we are not thinking about the past we often find ourselves anxious and worried about the future, which is understandable. We should plan for the future as much as we are able and give real thought to the destinations and outcomes that we hope to arrive at. The problem is that so many of us become overwhelmed by the prospects of what could happen that the anxiety and worry over those thoughts again rob of us of energy and time that could better be directed towards the one thing we have control over: the present.
The one thing we can control is the next decision we make. We can't control what circumstances will come our way from day to day, but we can equip ourselves to be in a position to make the next decision a wise one by directing our energy and time to that decision. How do we do that?
1. Pray (Short and easy, He has made some good decisions, He might be able to help you)
1. Learn from the past (It is the one thing we can gain from experience: wisdom)
2. Take your time (The worst decisions are often made based on emotion)
3. Ask for help (Have good counsel from people who have gained wisdom and use it)
4. Weigh your options (Pro and con list written down helps to give you perspective)
5. Pray (Reassure your mind and heart at the end of the process)
These are just a few things that help us to slow down and systematically think through what it is that we are doing. It is important to have some consistency in our approach to making decisions and these steps give us that as well.
As someone who has not always made the best decisions and harbors many regrets, let me just encourage you not to get bogged down in the past or to be overly anxious about the future, but to live this moment, making each right next decision. If you do that, it will often lead you to amends for any regrets and mistakes of the past and it will set a firm foundation for the future that you want. Enjoy this Monday and I wish you all the best!
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:34 (The Message)
Sunday, June 26, 2011
The Antidote
There is an old saying that holding on to resentment like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. For some reason that saying always reminds me of the poisoning scene in the "Princess Bride" which makes me smile but then I force myself to be serious because to not forgive someone is a sin and sin is bad, allegedly. It also reminds me of how dramatically my unwillingness to forgive others has effected my life. It has at times cost me energy, sleep, friends, and peace of mind. That is why it is so dangerous. The foundation of why we don't forgive lies in our own pride and selfishness. We allow ourselves to come to a point where we believe our feelings and emotions surrounding the situation are the most important thing to be considered. We would rather than wallow in the misery of our bitterness than deal with our pride and move beyond the hurt and pain to a place of healing and restoration.
I had a million ways to rationalize why I didn't need to forgive, mainly that I was the one who was wronged and why should I forgive someone who had done wrong to me. It took me a long time to understand that the anger and bitterness that I held on to like a security blanket were destroying me. While they were destroying me I found that those that I was so upset with were living content lives, not even realizing how angry I still was. This realization brought me to a place of understanding that I could either hold on to my need to be right and vindicated or I could forgive and find peace and contentment. Over the past two years I have sought out the opportunity to sit down with several people who I really held resentment towards for things that I felt they had done to me that were wrong, not to seek an apology from them, but to seek forgiveness for the things that my resentment brought out in me around them. I can tell you that I have never felt such peace and contentment as I do today, I am no longer a prisoner to angst and bitterness, I have found forgiveness and as a result of that have chosen to forgive. It doesn't mean that those relationships will ever be what they once were but it does mean that no one else has control over my life, forgiveness has allowed me to take that back and to set my own course.
I hope as Henley says in Invictus you will be able to say. "I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."
I had a million ways to rationalize why I didn't need to forgive, mainly that I was the one who was wronged and why should I forgive someone who had done wrong to me. It took me a long time to understand that the anger and bitterness that I held on to like a security blanket were destroying me. While they were destroying me I found that those that I was so upset with were living content lives, not even realizing how angry I still was. This realization brought me to a place of understanding that I could either hold on to my need to be right and vindicated or I could forgive and find peace and contentment. Over the past two years I have sought out the opportunity to sit down with several people who I really held resentment towards for things that I felt they had done to me that were wrong, not to seek an apology from them, but to seek forgiveness for the things that my resentment brought out in me around them. I can tell you that I have never felt such peace and contentment as I do today, I am no longer a prisoner to angst and bitterness, I have found forgiveness and as a result of that have chosen to forgive. It doesn't mean that those relationships will ever be what they once were but it does mean that no one else has control over my life, forgiveness has allowed me to take that back and to set my own course.
I hope as Henley says in Invictus you will be able to say. "I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Misery might love company but it never keeps any
Just a little confession to kick off with today. I like to watch certain people fail, there I said it. I know, I know, I am sure that I am the only one who ever feels this way but there are certain people who I just don't particularly care for and it gives me a real sense of satisfaction when they fail. Having said that, let me also say that I realize how distorted that is and how that is not the attitude that a good Christian should have. My conclusion then is that I am a horrible Christian and guess what, I'm okay with that.
The realization that no matter how hard I try, I never get any closer to God or more like Christ through my own efforts is a liberating place to come to. I realize that my best efforts have left me in utter failure and that instead of being hopeless I can find hope in the reality that I am unable to be like God on my own. My best attempt at being good have fallen short and as long as I find shame and guilt in my own failure then I am going to revel in the failure of others because it allows me not to feel so bad about my own failures. It is when I come to terms with my own need for God that I am freed to love others and to wish and work for their best as well. It is here that I come to understand what Jesus meant when he said that I have to give up life in order to keep it. I am powerless and as long as I live in that I want others to be powerless as well. When I assent to my need for God's help however, it frees me to want the best for others.
The writer of Proverb understood this when he said, "Do not rejoice when your enemy falls,
And do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles" in chapter 25 and as I continue this journey toward wisdom, I wish you the best in all that you do.
P.S. I actually mean it now.
The realization that no matter how hard I try, I never get any closer to God or more like Christ through my own efforts is a liberating place to come to. I realize that my best efforts have left me in utter failure and that instead of being hopeless I can find hope in the reality that I am unable to be like God on my own. My best attempt at being good have fallen short and as long as I find shame and guilt in my own failure then I am going to revel in the failure of others because it allows me not to feel so bad about my own failures. It is when I come to terms with my own need for God that I am freed to love others and to wish and work for their best as well. It is here that I come to understand what Jesus meant when he said that I have to give up life in order to keep it. I am powerless and as long as I live in that I want others to be powerless as well. When I assent to my need for God's help however, it frees me to want the best for others.
The writer of Proverb understood this when he said, "Do not rejoice when your enemy falls,
And do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles" in chapter 25 and as I continue this journey toward wisdom, I wish you the best in all that you do.
P.S. I actually mean it now.
Friday, June 3, 2011
What Are You Looking For?
This has really been a week of up and down emotions for me. It started great as I got to go home to Panama City and spend a few days with Susan, Aiden, and Rylee but then on Tuesday when I flew back here to Virginia Beach it seemed to plummet. I stepped right back in to a place where I really don't know anybody yet and am struggling to find a job, in short, it just hasn't worked out in the way that I had planned it in my mind.
I am not normally someone who finds myself depressed, but I could just feel the weight of it sit down on me the last few days. I caught myself just complaining to God about everything, about how it wasn't fair and that he should realize how much I am giving up to follow Him and then, I heard how ridiculous I sounded. It reminded me of several Psalms where David goes on and on about the sorry condition of his life to God but then I remembered, David always followed those complaints up with a remembrance of what God had done and was promising to do. So, I want to be a man after God's own heart, and I figured to combat the negative, I would recollect the positive.
I don't always have to be happy, but I always want to be content. The difference, happiness is based on emotion and the moment, contentment is the recognition of the soul that God is in control and everything is fine as I follow Him (in other words things will not always be like they are right now, good or bad). So I am writing a gratitude list of three things each day this week, things that I can thank God for and make my focus. What we focus on dictates where we go and whether we enjoy the journey. What are you focusing on and how are you enjoying the journey?
P.S. If you look for the negative you will always find it, but if you look for the positive you will always find that as well, the difference is you might enjoy the search.
I'm grateful for:
1. An incredible wife who has shown grace and understanding that I don't think I could
2. People who have encouraged me when I couldn't find it in myself
3. 85th chances
I am not normally someone who finds myself depressed, but I could just feel the weight of it sit down on me the last few days. I caught myself just complaining to God about everything, about how it wasn't fair and that he should realize how much I am giving up to follow Him and then, I heard how ridiculous I sounded. It reminded me of several Psalms where David goes on and on about the sorry condition of his life to God but then I remembered, David always followed those complaints up with a remembrance of what God had done and was promising to do. So, I want to be a man after God's own heart, and I figured to combat the negative, I would recollect the positive.
I don't always have to be happy, but I always want to be content. The difference, happiness is based on emotion and the moment, contentment is the recognition of the soul that God is in control and everything is fine as I follow Him (in other words things will not always be like they are right now, good or bad). So I am writing a gratitude list of three things each day this week, things that I can thank God for and make my focus. What we focus on dictates where we go and whether we enjoy the journey. What are you focusing on and how are you enjoying the journey?
P.S. If you look for the negative you will always find it, but if you look for the positive you will always find that as well, the difference is you might enjoy the search.
I'm grateful for:
1. An incredible wife who has shown grace and understanding that I don't think I could
2. People who have encouraged me when I couldn't find it in myself
3. 85th chances
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